I Miss the Old Me...

I have not been good lately.  Emotionally, I am at a unfamiliar place.  I can remember a time when I used to be so full of light and energy.  My confidence was incomparable, but now, I just don't feel the same.  I have been cooped in the house, not really interested in being social (but forcing myself) and not feeling myself like I used to.  It recently dawned on me that my heart is broken. 

Let me clarify.  My marriage is great, my friendships are great, my life, is all around great.  On the other hand, I, as an individual, am not.  I have been let down so many times in various areas of my life and I never took the time to heal from those disappointments.  Once I took the time to verbalize what I have been feeling, I started to wonder when this started happening.  I know it doesn't matter, but the thinker in me got my wheels turning.   My answer came to me in a dream.  In the dream, I was taken back to a time with a former best friend.  We were laughing and joking as if nothing ever happened, after all, that's how things used to be with us.  Back to reality, I recently ran into some of her family members and I didn't even speak.  It was at this moment when I realized this situation affected me more than I thought, but not for the reason you all would probably think.

To make a long story short, she chose a man over me.  No surprise there right? But that's when things really changed for me.  In addition to choosing to end our friendship, she also left me alone in an apartment with tons of bills to pay.  This of course led to me being broke, struggling, eating noodles every day for a meal (I would be lucky to get more than one meal), and it also left me alone with my thoughts.  There was no one I felt safe confiding in because at this moment, I lost trust and hope in people.  With that being said, my life took a downward spiral.  I was always tired, I was very emotional, and I was also down to about 98 pounds.  Honestly, I summed it up to stress and kept it moving.  Things got so bad that I decided to go back home to Macon, Georgia.  Home is always the place where I feel the most comfortable, even to this day. There's no place that can make me feel more grounded. 

Eventually, I was diagnosed with a disease (hence the weight loss) that was brought on by stress.  It was at that moment that I decided not to allow people to get to me like that.  In choosing to do so, I closed myself off emotionally...to everyone.  Whenever I would try to open myself up, people would just disappointment me, so that wall got taller and stronger.  I even did this to my husband.  We still have disagreements because of how nonchalant I seem and I can admit he's right about that.  I don't feel much of anything these days.  I just don't trust people.  At all.  I have learned that people are selfish.  They only care about themselves and what they have going on.  They couldn't care any less about you.  And frankly, that's the attitude I move with.  Unfortunately, this has left me feeling alone and hurt.  I miss being fun spirited and bubbly.  I miss the carefree spirit I used to possess.  I miss the ability to walk confidently with my head up high and it makes me feel so defeated.  I know life wasn't designed to be this way.  But what do I do? 

I can't fully answer that question right now, but I am choosing to confront it along with whoever I need to confront as well.  My thinking has to change.  I am at a great season in my life and I need to get it all the way back together so I can thoroughly enjoy it.  That smart, beautiful, fun-loving girl I stare at in the mirror deserves it and so do you.

"Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?"

The title is probably less than 1/3 of what this post is really about. But I can't help but think of this song, by Whodini, at a time like this.  What's going on with my beloved, self-proclaimed, 'ultimate Gemini'? For those who don't know, I am speaking of Kanye West.  Realistically, I'm sure I have enough clues to be able to answer that question, but still.  

Out of all of my friends, I am certain I am the biggest Kanye West fan.  I admit, I was late to join the bandwagon, and when I mean late, I mean around the time "Graduation" dropped, but anywho...I joined full force.  I bought the albums and supported him, even on his rants, because, for the most part, I agreed.  But now, he's on another level.  I don't know Kanye West personally, but as a fan who's followed him, it is clear to me that the decline began once his mother passed.  I seriously wonder if he ever really dealt with that.  When I say dealt with that, I mean sought counseling.  I've yet to lose a parent, but I could only imagine the deep pain that would surface in that event.  It was in that moment that I think Kanye West lost his real true friend.

He said it himself in a verse from Jeezy's, "Put On"... "the top so lonely".  I can't imagine going through life without someone being here to check me when I get out of control.  It's actually really sad.  He is acting out like a child who has been hurt. And the pain is obvious.  I think one of the biggest things for me is the fact that his own wife hasn't checked him.  Am I surprised? No. No one should be.  He married a Kardashian.  Everything they do is calculated.  I really wonder how much of a friend she is to him...but that's neither here nor there.  As much as I also love Jay-Z, I am a bit disappointed that he hasn't checked him either.  Jay-Z is a business guru!  Maybe they aren't the best of buds, but he's his mentor, at least to some extent.  Why won't he reach out to him?  We'll never know and really it's none of our business, but when you put your business out there, curious minds like mine are interested in knowing.  Now, this, in no way, shape, or form, takes away from his talent.  That cannot be denied.  He is on genius level when it comes to his craft, but I still feel sad for him.

Yes, Kanye is a Gemini, so am I, and people like to call us crazy, bipolar, wishy-washy, etc. and some of that may be the case at times; however, I think this goes way beyond the surface.  It was only a few years ago where he was upset because Beyonce' didn't win, now he's complaining because she did.  It was years ago that he was ranting about George Bush not liking black people, now he's a Trump supporter.  I can't even keep up myself anymore.  I say all this to say, we will never really know what Kanye truly feels because he throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. At the end of the day all money is green and he's going to position himself to where he's at the center of it.  I went to the "Life of Pablo" concert in Atlanta, Georgia and it was amazing (this isn't the type of market to pull stunts, like he did in Cali, on).  But one thing that was obvious about the Atlanta show is that there were just as many, if not more, white people at that concert compared to black ones. You can piece that together how you want. 

In closing, I just want to say love and cherish your friends.  Be that person who isn't afraid to tell them when they've gone off the deep end.  Tell them the truth and support them the whole way through.  I have no where near as much money as these celebrities, but I can only pray that if I ever get it, my friends won't sit there and watch me fall apart, publicly, at that.  Not many of us get to live out our dreams and if we ever get the chance, we should be held up by our loved ones who we can trust to be there through the good, bad, and the ugly.

A Lesson from Marriage

I love being married.  I really do.  I'm not going to lie, at first, I wasn't convinced.  I was not the girl who grew up idolizing brides and praying to be married some day.  Did I see marriage as a good thing? yes, but I didn't see it happening for me and I was perfectly ok with that.  So fast forward to 2014 when my now husband proposed to me.  I wasn't at all surprised because we had talked about it before, but I was still consumed with fear.  I was so nervous, even as I walked down the aisle.  I was literally shaking.  Here I was giving up my entire life to share it with this man.  It is important to note that he and I had gone through a lot during our courting phase.  I mean a lot.  There were days I questioned if I would continue on or not.  But I did and I am happy about my choice.

Lately, I have been frustrated with the misguided comments that I've been seeing floating around social media about meeting the right person at the wrong time.  I don't think this comment is being made with malicious intent, but I need the hopeless romantics to understand why this is a lame excuse.  So much so that I needed to write about it.  Lets get one thing clear, if a person wants to be with you, he or she will be with you no matter what.  I can't see a man or woman who really wants to be with you, just allowing you to walk away and leaving you open for the next person.  Seriously, think about it.  If everything this person is saying is true, then why aren't the necessary steps being taken to get and keep you?

We've all been there.  Giving so much of yourself to another.  Living like you're married and giving up your body in hopes that one day he or she will commit to you exclusively.  Meanwhile, the other person is full of excuses as to why he or she won't commit (you'll notice I'll keep referring to both sexes.  It goes both ways): "I'm just not ready", "I know I could love you one day," "I just need to get my life together," etc...That's really code for I'm not sure if I want to make a commitment to YOU.  Yes, you specifically because how many times have we seen that same person go on to the next person and marry him or her? Catch my drift?  They just don't want to love you, plain and simple.  There is nothing confusing about that. 

Remember in the first paragraph when I mentioned we went through a lot.  When I first started dating my husband, I was living at home with my mom.  After some rough seasons in life, I essentially had to regroup and start over.  My husband was broken.  Sparing you the details, the point is when you want to be with someone, you accept them for who they are in that very moment, regardless of their circumstance.  So when a person uses that as an excuse, that's your red flag.  Just because you get married, doesn't mean the issues go away.  In fact they get worse and are magnified by marriage.  If that person is running now, imagine what he or she is going to do later.  You need to run away from that. Now!  Will it hurt, yes, but it will hurt later when you continue to give up even more of yourself trying to prove you are worthy of that person's love and they leave you for the next person.  That isn't love and it won't ever turn into that. 

Real love, the selfless, sacrificing, ride or die kind, can't be found in a person who can't even be honest and upfront with themselves about the real issue; therefore you can't expect them to be transparent about it with you.  Stop wasting your time and move on. 

A Word for the Weary

Today marks two weeks that my home has pretty much been in turmoil.  We are undergoing some serious changes right now and as many of you may know, change can be very uncomfortable or even painful.  I will spare you all the details, but lets just say there has been a plethora of emotions coming and going and at one point, I thought I was going to lose my mind. Change is inevitable, we all know this, but it can really get the best of us at times especially when we can't see the finish line.  Unfortunately for me, I don't get a lot of time to work through my emotions because I have to be strong for my husband.  As the leader of our household, I respect him and his decisions, so I roll with him.  What I am learning to understand as a wife is how much pressure that is for a man.  It has to be nerve-racking to have the weight of others literally on your shoulders.  We all talk a good game, but having to walk in it is a completely different story.  With this being said, I don't nag him.  I give him the freedom and space to learn and grow while in this position of leadership.  But if I'm being honest, there are times I want to take control; not only of the household, but of my life in general.

I didn't realize I was a control freak until this past week (and I despise control freaks by the way). The fact that I don't know what's going to happen when and where I'll be when it happens drives me crazy.  If any of that is confusing, then join the club.  Life is such a mystery and we're just playing along.  We don't know what will happen from day to day and I am trying to learn to be content with that.  But in order for things and God to work in our lives, we have to move out of the way.  The thought that I may have messed some things up in my life because I was impatient really breaks my heart.  Who knows if I could have been in a completely different place had I just sat still before acting out?  What progress could have been made?  While there is no point in dwelling on the past, there are lessons to be learned moving forward.  Things may not happen when or how I want them to, but I have to accept life for what it is and what it gives.  We must all learn to play with the cards we've been dealt.  True, we are taking a bet on life, but isn't that what life is all about...taking chances, being bold, truly living?  We only get one life.  Though it may have many ups, downs, and twists and turns, it's all about enjoying the ride.  Today I encourage you to just slow down and truly believe that everything is working out for your good and I'll remember to take my own advice.  Don't give up on yourself just yet.  Take a moment or two, cry if you need to and then get back up and continue living.  Really, what do you have to lose?

Millennial, The Third Strike

Let me start by saying the world we live in is a crazy one.  It seems to get even stranger by the day.  The things we as a people become fixated on are so miniscule and ridiculous.  A majority of these things can be altered, but what about the things we cannot change?  It's not enough that I'm black.  That's THE topic of discussion these days.  It always has been, but now it's more prominent than ever. People hate me because of the color of my skin.  That's it.  How ignorant is that?  Next up, I'm a woman.  Do you all realize that there are people out here who will not vote for Hillary Clinton simply because of the fact that she is a woman? This is not a joke people.  While this whole election has been a mockery of humanity, we must face a very real thought; Donald Trump could end up being our next president.  Not because he's here for change, not because he's a great politician who cares about the people, but simply for what is between his legs.  If you think this is far fetched, take a moment to speak to some of these older men, particularly those who are of retirement age and spend their days out on the golf course.  Many of these men just CANNOT (strong, sarcastic emphasis) vote for a woman for anything.  Unfortunately, there are just as many women who feel the same way.   So now, I'm also hated because of the sex I was born as.  To rub salt in the wound, as some of my relatives would say, now I have to deal with being hated because of my age. 

If I hear another thing about "millennials" I think I am going to scream.  It's one thing to be generally concerned about the state of the economy and the mystery that surrounds this group I am apparently a part of, but it's another thing to place us under a microscope as if we are some creatures being dissected in Biology class.  I am over it.  It's just another way to separate and discriminate and the reasoning baffles me.  Some of the craziest things I've read (yes, I actually read) about us are, we're spoiled, entitled, the worst generation, don't know life without cell phones and computers, we didn't know who Prince was and the list of complaints go on and on and on.  And yes, it is just as ridiculous as what you just read.  I probably should throw in my towel anyway, I have 3 strikes against me, and those are just the primary dimensions of diversity, we don't want to get into secondary.  I guess getting rid of us all would make the world a better place, right? I couldn't even type that without chuckling, perhaps that's the narcissism in me.  We should be the least of your worries.  Let me just go on the record and say, we're only doing what our "Baby Boomer" (I guess I should mention I'm on the older end of the millennials) parents taught us to do.  Go to school and get an education because no one can take that away from you, be better than we were, be strong, love one another and you'll prosper!  That's what society told them was the right thing to do.  We do that and then get criticized for it.  Many of us weren't taught to hate like many of the previous generations were.  But I can tell you hate always has the most damning influence.  I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I wasn't given anything but food to eat, a roof, bed, and a dream.  I  was taught to work hard for everything and that life wasn't going to be easy for me because of strike 1 and 2.  I don't think my mother could've imagined that the year I was born was going to end up being another hindrance to my American Dream, oh I forgot, being a dreamer is frowned upon and is something only the millennial brats do.  It's one thing to have your opinions about us, we all are entitled to that, but the problem I have is when I start being treated differently because of it, which is something I have started to experience more and more on my career journey. 

The next time you're struggling with why you aren't able to find talented people who are ready and willing to work, with keeping talented employees, or even with selling your products to us, perhaps you should do a self check to determine if you are in fact allowing your personal opinions about a person's age group affect how you are treating him or her and how you are acting.  A lot of behaviors are learned and the media does a great job with influencing our minds; therefore, you may not even notice you're doing it.  Millennials are able to hold an educated conversation outside of mobile devices, so if you have such a desire to know this group of people better, why not get a panel of us together and just talk to us.  Take the time to learn and educate yourself instead of placing stereotypes on us and literally running with it.  But, I'm just a millennial, what do I know?

What Freedom Looks Like...

I am finally starting to calm down enough to really listen and take in all the things that have been going on lately.  I went through many different emotions last week, but I am inspired.  Even in my moment of inspiration, there are still some disappointments.  There are some pertinent people we still haven't heard from on the matter of black lives, police brutality, and our safety and security as a whole.  It's really interesting to me how we can spend so much time being concerned about other countries, but black people, have you all given any thought to the fact that we could end up being the next group of refugees? Just something to ponder. I am still waiting patiently for our presidential hopefuls to speak up.  They've been mighty quiet...and no, a simple tweet or Facebook post is not going to do.

"If you have a critique for the resistance, for our resistance, then you better have an established record of critique of our oppression. If you have no interest in equal rights for black people then do not make suggestions to those who do. Sit down." -Jesse Williams


I realize everyone isn't about this life and that's fine, however, don't discourage your friends or family members by trying to impose your fears unto them because you are too afraid of being left behind.  If you can't hang with the big dogs, get off the porch.  If you're just going to hang around the porch, then shut up and make yourself useful.  For those of you who still don't believe it has anything to do with race, then please explain the difference between these videos we've seen lately and the one with the white guy pretty much beating up the police in McDonald's.  Research it yourself, I am not going to post it here.  But if anyone can explain why he was handled differently, outside of the color of his skin, then perhaps I'll give another opinion some consideration.  If you, as a police officer, are afraid of black people, then perhaps you chose the wrong career field. 

Be blessed and stay safe!

Angry Black Woman!

For the second morning in a row, I have been awakened by a plethora of texts discussing police shootings.  I am over it.  I took a moment to listen to  Jesse Williams' speech from the BET Awards again and the more and more I listen to it, the stronger this little pit in my stomach gets.  There was a time when I'd feel myself getting all worked up about the police and I'd take a few moments and watch "End of Watch."  Very profound movie that really gives the viewer a peak from the other side, but again, I am over it.  How long is this going to continue?  As far as the shooting of Alton Sterling, the black man shot in Baton Rouge for those of you who don't read and like to avoid the obvious, it strikes an eerily similar feeling as the Rodney King beating.  Only this time, the man is dead.  I can only imagine what's going to come next. 

These moments make me wonder if Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X, and even Tupac, were still alive, what would they have to say at this very moment.  America is becoming more interesting, for lack of a better term, by the day.  But realistically, until we show this same uproar and passion within our communities, they're going to continue to hunt us down and prey on us.  I want to see this same anger when we turn against our own.  We have to stand together.  Black people- GET IT TOGETHER! Now, not later. We cannot afford to wait.  Your husbands, sons, brothers, etc. are being used for targeting practice! Wtf are you doing? Taking selfies and sending eggplant pics?

To my black men, I really hope you all get it now, (check my last post).  While many of you are out here worried about jewelry, cars, and which woman you can smash and/or disrespect today, you are being killed off slowly.  You are an endangered species and if you don't get it together quickly, you are going to be extinct.  Y'all better wake the hell up! Stop being so distracted by miniscule things that don't matter.  Here is your chance to really take a stand against something.  What are you going to do?  Are you awake or still sleeping?

I'm going to go ahead and end this, but I want to leave this little gem right here:

https://youtu.be/6F4Or0pRQ3Y

Just copy and paste into your web browser and let it sink ALL the way in.

I Really Wish Men Knew Their Self-Worth

As I sit here, I am thinking about one of my best friends who is going through a tough break up.  She never thought she would fall in love like she had with him.  In her eyes, every thing was going fine until she discovered enough information to cause a life time of pain.  There was a plethora of women he had been entertaining over several months. She was and still is devastated.  It's crazy, but this happens so often that it's starting to become acceptable behavior.  Men cheat. What else is new? That's the common consensus these days but what I am having a hard time understanding isn't necessarily the act of cheating, but the reason some men think so low of themselves that they don't think they deserve to be loved- the right way by, the right woman. 

From childhood, women are taught to nurture, to keep things clean.  In a nutshell, we're taught to take care of ourselves and others.  Men, on the other hand, are taught to be tough and suppress their feelings.  So women eventually grow up to be "do it alls" and men, "know it alls."  Right now is a great time for women, especially black women.  It's really exciting to see so many women in leadership roles and standing up for what is right.  Men are becoming more and more ok with the status quo and following what society thinks men should do, including downgrading the woman's worth.  It is so disgusting to see how men treat women today, but it makes one question the real issue.  What's the real problem?

We are in a season now where women are very empowered and the men are just there loathing the sisterhood.  Why aren't we building our men up just as much?  Let me clarify, when I say build men up, I'm not talking about an ego boost (that's a way we mask our hurt, by the way).  I mean in every way, including not allowing them to get away with foolishness, letting them know they deserve better for themselves, and that they are worthy of good things in their lives.  Some of the actions of men today show they don't love themselves.  As women, we know what this looks and feels like all too well.  The constant sleeping around, impregnating multiple women, the excessive drug use, etc etc... It's really nasty when you think about.  Sliding your manhood around from woman to woman with no protection.  Why don't men think more of themselves to protect themselves and their bodies from harm?  That's a serious question.  Why do some men think that this lifestyle is okay and they don't deserve better? 

Men, you are supposed to be our leaders.  I'm sure women will be willing to follow a man who is honest in his words and backs it up with action.  But we're left to do it ourselves because men are too busy reveling in hate to stand up and do something about  it.  Not for anyone else, but for himself because he loves himself.  Men you are worthy, you are handsome, you are smart.  Start believing it.  Stand in the mirror and take a real hard look at yourself.  It's time to start stepping up.  Find out where the true issue lies and work on fixing it.  Is it a problem with your mother?  Your father? Some girl broke your heart as a teenager?  Fix it.  There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need to feel whole.  Love yourself more.  Continuing to hate the woman is not going to make you any more of a man, trust me.  You will continue to get left further and further behind in this world and frankly, we need you. 

Why I Stopped Blogging...And Why I Am Back

Wow...It has been such a long time since I've blogged.  I had a great momentum going and thoroughly enjoyed sharing a piece of me with a portion of the world.  I am anxious and excited to start back.  So many things have changed in my life since 2012.  I moved, got married, lost a job, quit a job, celebrated a milestone birthday, got healthy, got back in school (FINALLY), lost some loved ones, gained some new friends, and no, no babies yet (lets go on and get that out the way)! The real reason I stopped blogging is because I allowed someone else's opinions of my content to deter me from writing period.  I literally haven't written a thing.  Everything has been jumbled up in my brain.  Honestly, it's time to let it out before I explode.  Most people who know me personally, would probably wonder how I allowed a person to get to me like that.  I am here say even a person with the thickest of skins has a trigger.  Writing is mine (cue the line 'keep in mind I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit' line from THE Erykah Badu song Tyrone).  As painful as that is to admit, it was also very humbling.  I have grown tremendously in these past years and never have I ever been so proud of who I am and what I have done in life thus far.  I am seriously so in love with me.  I am ready to continue to develop in my writing as I know this was the gift given to me.  Writing cleanses my soul and spirit.  It is literally like a release for me.  Imagine all the pressure that has been building up for these past few years.  Time to dump it all out on you guys.  So if you are interested in a southern black woman and her rants, then please join in on this journey with me.  There will be a plethora of topics and thoughts.  I have interests that stretch from ratchet guilty pleasures to things that are far beyond our mental capacity.  Roll with me.  I am back!