I Miss the Old Me...

I have not been good lately.  Emotionally, I am at a unfamiliar place.  I can remember a time when I used to be so full of light and energy.  My confidence was incomparable, but now, I just don't feel the same.  I have been cooped in the house, not really interested in being social (but forcing myself) and not feeling myself like I used to.  It recently dawned on me that my heart is broken. 

Let me clarify.  My marriage is great, my friendships are great, my life, is all around great.  On the other hand, I, as an individual, am not.  I have been let down so many times in various areas of my life and I never took the time to heal from those disappointments.  Once I took the time to verbalize what I have been feeling, I started to wonder when this started happening.  I know it doesn't matter, but the thinker in me got my wheels turning.   My answer came to me in a dream.  In the dream, I was taken back to a time with a former best friend.  We were laughing and joking as if nothing ever happened, after all, that's how things used to be with us.  Back to reality, I recently ran into some of her family members and I didn't even speak.  It was at this moment when I realized this situation affected me more than I thought, but not for the reason you all would probably think.

To make a long story short, she chose a man over me.  No surprise there right? But that's when things really changed for me.  In addition to choosing to end our friendship, she also left me alone in an apartment with tons of bills to pay.  This of course led to me being broke, struggling, eating noodles every day for a meal (I would be lucky to get more than one meal), and it also left me alone with my thoughts.  There was no one I felt safe confiding in because at this moment, I lost trust and hope in people.  With that being said, my life took a downward spiral.  I was always tired, I was very emotional, and I was also down to about 98 pounds.  Honestly, I summed it up to stress and kept it moving.  Things got so bad that I decided to go back home to Macon, Georgia.  Home is always the place where I feel the most comfortable, even to this day. There's no place that can make me feel more grounded. 

Eventually, I was diagnosed with a disease (hence the weight loss) that was brought on by stress.  It was at that moment that I decided not to allow people to get to me like that.  In choosing to do so, I closed myself off emotionally...to everyone.  Whenever I would try to open myself up, people would just disappointment me, so that wall got taller and stronger.  I even did this to my husband.  We still have disagreements because of how nonchalant I seem and I can admit he's right about that.  I don't feel much of anything these days.  I just don't trust people.  At all.  I have learned that people are selfish.  They only care about themselves and what they have going on.  They couldn't care any less about you.  And frankly, that's the attitude I move with.  Unfortunately, this has left me feeling alone and hurt.  I miss being fun spirited and bubbly.  I miss the carefree spirit I used to possess.  I miss the ability to walk confidently with my head up high and it makes me feel so defeated.  I know life wasn't designed to be this way.  But what do I do? 

I can't fully answer that question right now, but I am choosing to confront it along with whoever I need to confront as well.  My thinking has to change.  I am at a great season in my life and I need to get it all the way back together so I can thoroughly enjoy it.  That smart, beautiful, fun-loving girl I stare at in the mirror deserves it and so do you.